How to SET up a supportive conversation

Life, and therefore marriage, is not without challenges that come in varying degrees. From a one-off tiff with a coworker to a devastating diagnosis, it's tough to see our spouse struggle.

When you are at a loss for words, using the acronym SET can help guide your conversation. SET stands for Support, Empathy and Truth. Listed below are examples of each.

SUPPORT - express how you can help

• While I may not understand everything you are going through, I'm here for you. Tell me what you need.

• I might not have an answer but, I'll do my best to listen/help you gain clarity/offer an additional perspective.

• It angers/saddens me to hear this.

• Is there anything I can do to help?

EMPATHY - share in the emotion they are feeling:

• I would feel the same way in your situation.

• That doesn’t sound fair/right, no wonder you feel that way.

• I’m sorry you have to deal with this uncomfortable situation.

• That must have been difficult. 

• I think it’s normal to feel that way.  

** Before I say anything else, I want you to know...

how much I love you/care about this/this matters to me because it matters to you. 

TRUTH - speak in love from your heart

• I happen to see the situation differently.

• Can I share my perspective?

• May I ask a few questions to help gain clarity?

• You make a good point, but it appears there is something else going on.

• I think you’ve done everything you can do.

 A successful conversation is when your spouse feels seen and heard. You might not have solved the problem but if your words soothed their heart, that's a win!