Every conflict boils down to one thing...

PERCEPTION

Are you the type of spouse who avoids conflict at all costs or do you dig in your heels and stay up until 3 am to prove you are right or to get this thing resolved?

Did you know that most marriage fights aren’t really about the issue but are caused by the way you perceive the issue.

According to renowned relational experts, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot, we have one of two perceptions during conflict:

Perceived THREAT and Perceived NEGLECT.

Perceived THREAT is when you feel your spouse is coming at you in a way that is critical, judgmental, controlling, demanding or attacking.

Perceived NEGLECT is when you feel your spouse doesn’t care because you feel your needs are being ignored, your spouse is acting selfish or they aren't giving as much effort to the situation as you are.

What can you do?

Look for the “AHA” moment in the conflict - the moment you can see where your spouse is coming from.

2. Create a “ME TOO” connection - identify the one thing you both want out of the situation.

Here’s what this looks like from Adam & Holly’s story:

They were looking forward to a night away. They booked an Air B&B and called the grandparents to babysit. On the way, Holly wanted to stop for snacks and coffee but Adam said, “Let’s not waste time. We don’t need any of that.” So, long story short, they didn’t stop. Holly was upset the rest of the drive and Adam didn’t understand what the big deal was.

After slamming down their overnight bags in the bedroom and walking around in icy silence for a few minutes Holly said, “I was really looking forward to a night away just to connect and I thought some yummy treats would really make for an enjoyable evening, but now it’s ruined.”

Adam: “I was really looking forward to getting here as quickly as possible so we could have more time to relax and talk.”

Holly: AHA, I see why you didn’t want to stop. You wanted to spend more quality time with me!

Adam: AHA, I see why you did want to stop because you thought it would set the mood! I was just in a hurry because I wanted more time with you!

Holly: ME TOO…I wanted quality time with you too!

Then they found their way back together and lived happily ever after…ok, not really, but you get the idea…perceived threat or neglect is under all conflict so next time you are butting heads with your spouse, lean in and try to identify their perception, look for the AHA moment and create a ME TOO connection, eventually you’ll make your way back to each other.